Leon’s Battle Strategies
Leon, the warlord leading the convoy, may have read the Art of War, a treatise on military strategies compiled by a Chinese general ‘Sun Tzu’ during the Warring States period in China, 476-221 BC. English translations are available in most bookshops today.
Had Leon been living in our era, perhaps this is what he might have written…on how to Play OFFICE POLITICS, using the Art of War…
#######
Love it, hate it, you can’t escape it. Put a group of people with ambition, greed, fear and love, five days a week in an office and you’re bound to get office politics. I, Leon Styne-Slayer, will show you eight strategies on how to win in office politics.
Your Office Layout [‘It is necessary to adapt to the terrain, so that the army might have the greatest advantage in all circumstances.’]
Position your desk facing the door, your back to a large window. Hold meetings or receive visitors only when the sun is shining, so the sunlight hits their eyes as they sit. You however, are always a brooding, inscrutable shadow. Your office couch should be low and plush, so your visitor sinks down, knees almost to their chin. Overweight men will feel trapped, as it takes considerable effort to get up. Women in short skirts will have their modesty compromised. They’ll be at a psychological disadvantage. Like trapped rabbits waiting to be skinned. Your seating position must be at least one head higher than your visitor, so you loom ominously over them.
Install wall clocks showing your international reach. Show New York, London, Tokyo and Kabul time, implying your tentacles spread throughout the world. Have your PA (Personal Assistant) positioned to block easy entry into your office. Install a secret warning buzzer for her/him. One buzz indicates a visitor, giving you time to put on your brooding scowl. Two buzzes indicates your boss, so you can put on your hardworking look and throw paperwork around your desk. Have copies of Thy Fiefdom Comes on display, indicating a well-read person.
Create your Special Forces Unit. [‘war is motivated by gain and based on deception. Its tactics lie in varying the deployment of your forces.’]
In the name of improving office efficiency, create a taskforce to investigate ways to improve inter-department communication and information flow. Have a trusted subordinate appointed as chairperson of the task force. Such a unit, under the pretext of trying to improve communication, can be a powerful strike force. It can probe deep into enemy territory, investigating their internal information. This unit becomes your ‘special forces’ operation able to strike at your opposition under the guise of ‘office efficiency’.
The unit must be fluid, able to be disbanded and recreated in future. Special Forces units must be small enough to rapidly deploy and inflict damage, but not too big as to invite a full-scale counter offensive. (in which case you try to make their counter offensive look like a petty exercise in revenge.)
Own a Smell [‘the truly great in warfare are those who not only win, but win with such...ingenuity that their wisdom…often go unrecognised.’]
Always wear the same expensive and rare perfume/aftershave. Ensure people associate that perfume with you. Psychologically, you should own the smell. Wear it strongly so people can’t but help notice it. Replenish after lunch to ensure it lingers on you. When receiving visitors in your office, spray some into the air. Have your secretary remark loudly “mmm, what perfume is that?’’ at office functions.
In the corridors of power, between your office and the CEO’s, make sure it’s marked with that smell. Dogs do it to mark their territory, so why not you. Furtively spray your perfume near the CEO’s door, especially when your arch nemesis is due to see him/her. He’ll think you’ve just been inside and will worry about what you’ve just told the CEO. The perfume has to be very expensive and hard to get. Otherwise your enemies could spray it furtively on the jacket of another obnoxious office politician, implying some sort of relationship between the two of you.
Access the Information Flow [‘ a commander shows extreme lack of consideration for his men if he is too stingy to buy information…’’]
Mail room and reception staff are key allies as they are the aggregators of incoming information. Mailroom staff in particular have the power to enter staff offices since they act as a distribution channel for physical paper. Although e-mail has undermined their position, they still could have great access to information flow. Allies on the reception desk are particularly important sources of information and gossip. Get them on your side. Wine and dine them, treat them well…nobody else does.
Own a Colour [‘ to vanquish a superior force by clever tactics is beyond the comprehension of the masses. They see the victory but cannot understand the tactics that achieved it.’]
Choose a dominant colour and psychologically own it. For instance, if it is red, wear red ties, red clothes, have your secretary wear red. Colour your office furniture red. Have the office staff associate the colour with you. Put all your internal memos on red paper/red ink emails. Have your files and folders coloured red.
When it is truly entrenched that you own the colour, start your psychological expansion strategy. Have filing cabinets painted red and placed down the corridor, implying your ownership of the corridor space. Have the company’s Christmas gifts packaged in red. Have your weaker allies wear red, implying their loyalty to you. Have your staff wear red. Make sure your colour spreads throughout the company.
Map the real hierarchy [‘do not conduct a war before studying the layout of the land.’]
Map out the unofficial corporate hierarchy. All companies have the official management structure and reporting lines. Then there is the parallel unofficial reporting lines consisting of alliances, the hard workers, the slackers, the information networks and secret relationships. This needs to be mapped out so that you can see the true position.
Own a Sound [‘…his men are calm while the enemy’s are fearful. He is in control of their mental states.’]
Always have the same music playing softly in the background of your office and department area. Well-known classics are best. Have meeting rooms play the music. Have your office functions play the music in the background. Psychologically you should own the music. When your enemies hear the same music outside of the office, eg, in a restaurant or on television, they will instantly think of you, ensuring your psychological reach extends beyond office hours.
Create your own Double Agent [‘…there is a great need of espionage and of spies who may take five forms—local spies, inside spies, converted spies, doomed spies and missionary spies.’]
This strategy is high-risk but potentially very rewarding. A trusted ally in a different department is required. You are to publicly have a major disagreement, resulting in open warfare/bitter rivalry between the two of you. Privately, you are still allies continuing to share information. Your enemies will try to have this person join their ranks, in concerted opposition against you. In reality, he becomes your double agent providing you with information about their plans.
Conclusion
Alas, if you have to resort to these strategies to survive the office politics, then your company is doomed. For a ‘kingdom divided amongst itself cannot stand.’
